I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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