do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
