I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
