where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
