It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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