you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
