Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
We have started to decorate penises.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
