Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
40s are totally the cure
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
