I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
