I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize