connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
This baby is an asshole
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
