so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
