yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
