If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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