Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
