God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
