she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
