I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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