I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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