I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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