i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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