You smell like stripper and shame
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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