I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
