when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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