Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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