Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
