How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
