if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Randomize
