Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You took a bar mat shot.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
