Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
you had me at cake vodka
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
