i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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