I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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