fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
wakey wakey hands off snakey
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
