my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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