I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
