Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
