I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You made out with two different species that night
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize