I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
