I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
