Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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