but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
