I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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