Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
