Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
