your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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