I must be too annoying 4 u.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
