my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
