I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
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