it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
