My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Quick, to the slutcave!
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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