are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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