My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
