I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
