he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize