I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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